Orange is the New Black: Red’s Secret Garden of Crudite

Orange is the New Black: Red’s Secret Garden of Crudite

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  • 1/2 loaf day-old pumpernickel bread
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • 6 Tablespoons olive oil
  • Salt


Tear or roughly chop the bread into bite-sized pieces. Toast on a sheet pan until dry and crumbly then allow to cool.

Pulse bread crumbs in food processor for about 20 seconds until they resemble the consistency of dirt.

Drizzle in the olive oil and pulse to the point that the dirt can be packed but is not soggy.

Season to taste then use as a “soil” base for crudités, or sprinkle over pasta or roasted veggies, particularly cauliflower and broccoli

Nutritional Facts


Calories Per Serving93

Folate equivalent (total)1µgN/A

Orange Is the New Black: season three refresher course

Jenji Kohan’s prison drama returns for its third season on Friday but given it’s been 364 days since you binge-watched season two, you’ll need a cheat sheet to re-enter the world of Litchfield county jail

Laverne Cox dishing out the side eye to someone who couldn’t remember if Poussey and Taystee are friends. Photograph: Netflix/Courtesy Everett Co/Re

Laverne Cox dishing out the side eye to someone who couldn’t remember if Poussey and Taystee are friends. Photograph: Netflix/Courtesy Everett Co/Re

Last modified on Tue 9 Jan 2018 20.58 GMT

OITNB's Jenji Kohan: 'I’d be far richer if I’d stayed on Friends'

D eep into the new and final season of Orange Is the New Black, the groundbreaking Netflix show about life in a women’s prison, a character slumps in front of her TV, engrossed in Love Island. “I got obsessed with it,” explains Jenji Kohan, the woman who has been at the helm of OITNB for the last six years. “A friend who is British introduced it to my life last year, and I got unhealthily involved.” And so she wrote it into her series, giving her obsession to one of the characters, where it appears in the background like a branded water bottle.

Kohan does very few interviews – “I chose to be a writer for a reason. I don’t particularly want to be in front of the camera, so to speak” – but she is funny, dry-witted and very frank. So much so that she ends our conversation with a wistful: “I hope I didn’t say stupid things that will bite me in the ass later.”

‘I don’t pull my punches’ … the final season of Orange Is the New Black. Photograph: JoJo Whilden/Netflix

After seven seasons, Orange Is the New Black is bowing out. It is easy, in the age of “peak content”, when TV appears close to offering something for everyone, to forget how revolutionary it was when it first appeared in 2013. Kohan took a prison memoir by Piper Kerman and turned it into an ambitious comedy-drama about incarcerated women. It told us rich stories of poor women, rich women, straight women, gay women, trans women, black, white and Latino women. Its cast, unable to locate the mythical makeup store to which most TV prisoners seem to have secret access, were careful to look the part. The show seethed about injustice, but its comic touch meant it rarely, if ever, tipped into agitprop.

When it started, it was only the third series Netflix had ever made, after House of Cards and Hemlock Grove. Kohan had just finished working on Weeds, the suburbs-skewering show about a drug-dealing housewife that had been transformative in its own way, but HBO and Showtime both declined OITNB. “I was pissed Showtime didn’t pick it up,” says Kohan. “I had just given them eight years of a show. What do you mean, you won’t do my next project?” But Netflix greenlit a whole season, without the traditional testing ground of a pilot. “God bless Netflix.”

Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, on which Kohan worked as a writer. Photograph: NBC via Getty Images

Streaming was in its infancy then, and the idea of Emmy nominations for anything you couldn’t watch on an actual television was unimaginable. But Kohan swiftly realised that the real shift was the advent of binge-watching. “I was, and remain, somewhat conflicted about that,” she says. “Although it’s completely hypocritical, because I indulge in it!” She binge-watched Fleabag recently (“She did a wonderful job – it’s great”), but she has always been motivated by the idea of bringing people together: “When shows came out at the same time for everyone, they could make these connections. I mean, look what happened with Game of Thrones.”

Even so, binge-watching is here to stay. “I can lament the water-cooler conversation not happening, but you know, we cannot put the genie back in the bottle.” Hang on: isn’t OITNB, and therefore she, at least a little to blame? “I’m not taking personal responsibility!” she protests. “It’s the streaming services’ fault.”

Kohan, 50, grew up in Los Angeles. Her father, Buz, is a TV writer and producer of variety shows her mother, Rhea, is a writer and actor, and her older brother, David, created Will & Grace. It seemed pre-ordained that Kohan would be a writer, too, but she has previously called her first job – in the writers’ room of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in the early 90s – “a rough and fascinating entrance into the business”. In 2016, she told a festival her nickname there had been “white devil Jew bitch”.

She spent the next few years moving from show to show. Name any of the most iconic series from the last three decades, and it’s likely Kohan wrote for it. She had stints on Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City and the first series of Friends. “I gave them a lot of stuff. There was an episode I wrote that they put someone else’s name on after my draft, which, fine, it was the politics of the time.” What happened? “It was the one where Joey was the poster child for VD,” she says. “Look, I’d be much wealthier if I’d stayed on Friends. Ultimately, I was very young, I talked a lot, maybe I said the wrong things, or didn’t play well with others at that point. But you know, fuck them for firing me and taking a lot of stuff I did early on.”

‘I was very young when I worked on Friends, and maybe I said the wrong things’ … Matt LeBlanc as Joey in the first season.

When Showtime picked up Weeds in 2005, Kohan was more than ready to be the master of her own ideas. Showtime trusted her to be a showrunner where others hadn’t given her the chance, though she took a pay cut to work there, moving from network to cable TV. “I was trading money for freedom. I was making a whole lot more money in network, but was very unhappy creatively. I was like, all right, pay me like shit, but I will not compromise because this is my shot.” Weeds was a hit, but she had to fight for it all the way.

Kohan has spoken before about how ahead of its time Weeds was. “I don’t want to sound sour grapes,” she says, “but you know, we were before Breaking Bad, and we had a very early female antihero [Mary-Louise Parker].” Weeds’ dark humour pushed the boundaries Kohan has a strong libertarian streak, particularly when it comes to humour. Is it a difficult time to make jokes? “There’s an earnestness that has infiltrated that does step on comedy’s toes,” she reasons. “Everyone’s out to get you if you say something untoward, and that waters down everything. It’s difficult because of the sensitivity that demands to be catered to. People need to toughen up a bit.”

Pushing boundaries … Kohan’s show Weeds, with Mary-Louise Parker. Photograph: Allstar/Cinetext/Sky One

The final season of OITNB weaves in storylines centred on female genital mutilation, post-traumatic stress disorder and outrageous immigration policies, finding comedy as well as drama in all of it. There’s a #MeToo storyline, though typically, Kohan’s thoughtfully contrary approach points our sympathies in unexpected directions. Its sensibilities never appear to have been watered down. “I don’t pull my punches. There are enough points of view in that show that if you’re offended by something, you’ll like something else.” She grows more animated. “I’m not responsible for other people being offended. It’s a TV show – shut it off.”

One of Kohan’s most notorious storylines involved her killing off the eminently popular Poussey, in a scenario that had echoes of the case of Eric Garner, the black American choked to death by a policeman. Poussey’s death remains the most upsetting moment in OITNB’s history, and fans were outraged. “You’ve spent so many hours consecutively with these people, in your home, near your body, like, they’re in you,” she says. “It’s gotten so intimate and all-consuming that when things happen, people take it really personally.” I ask if the backlash surprised her. “No! I mean we’re provocateurs, to a certain extent. I want people to have reactions. I want people to talk about things they like and don’t like and feel outraged by and feel comforted by.”

‘I’m not responsible for other people being offended . ’ Kohan on the fan outrage over Poussey’s death. Photograph: JoJo Whilden/Netflix

When OITNB started, Kohan called its lead, Piper Chapman, the show’s “Trojan horse”. She was a wealthy, white woman who found herself incarcerated for a historical drug-related crime, an “easy access point”, Kohan said, for the stories of the other women in prison. Would she need a Trojan horse now? “Probably not as much,” she says. “Television is becoming more naturalistic in how it represents the world.” She will accept that OITNB should get some credit for that, but also nods to Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal creator Shonda Rhimes, “for her casts that, in a very natural way, presented all sorts of people”.

Although Kohan is meant to be resting after wrapping OITNB, she has instead been working on Glow, the show about female wrestlers in the 80s, and the forthcoming and brilliantly named Slutty Teenage Bounty Hunters. Her production company has given her a new role: “I’m Mary Poppins. I’m taking care of other people’s children. I am supervising and ushering and godmothering a lot of projects that I find really fun, helmed by people I think are great.”

She recognises that television now is very different to when OITNB began, and she is frustrated by the current vogue for grimness. “I’m fucking done with darkness and dystopia. I think it’s bad for us at this point. I want to see more reflections of lives we would like to live and worlds we would like to see. The dark is getting me down.” Partly, she says, that’s why OITNB had to come to an end. “When you’re writing a show in prison, you’re psychologically in prison for a good deal of time. It was time for release.”

Even so, she says it has been very hard to let go. She misses the characters already. “I’d like to think that in some alternate universe they go on, that the stories continue.” There’s probably some fan fiction online that caters to that. “And probably some excellent erotic fiction,” she says and laughs. “But I have not gone down that rabbit hole. It was bad enough with Love Island.”

Season 1 Episode 3 “Lesbian Request Denied”

On a phone call with Larry, Piper hears him unloading paper bags of groceries. She asks him if he went to Whole Foods and to describe in detail his entire haul. He begins to list items (crispy snap peas, cherry juice for smoothies, purple kale, Uncle Eddie’s vegan cookies) and as he continues, Piper seems to get more and more turned on. He describes the bulk roasted almonds with the sugar coating, which Piper confirms are 𠇌rack almonds.” Then, Larry describes the last-of-the-season heirloom tomatoes he bought as “super plump and ripe and gorged,” which he purchased with “wet, juicy buffalo mozzarella and sweet, sweet ass organic blueberries.” Not content to speak metaphorically, Larry plunges straight into phone sex, which Piper immediately shuts down. She cares way more about the food fantasy.


Another freshly sliced ham, hailing from Spain. This time, the freshness didn't come through quite as strongly as it did with the Parma—many called out the ham for its dryness, which may have been the result of an unfortunate end-of-leg slice job. "Tastes plasticky. Nice porky flavor, but the dry/hard texture is distracting," said one. Still, others praised its "balanced flavor with lots of nuance" and deep ruby hue. Although there are several tiers of Spanish dry-cured hams, including the ultra-premium Jamón ibéricos, this 12-month aged Serrano was made from grain-fed white Landrace pigs, and is significantly less expensive than its countrymen (if not exactly cheap).

Archive of Our Own beta

Samuel Healey wasn't very good at his job, many inmates felt.

Still, some would disagree to some, he had been of actual help. Apart from the mild racism and misogyny, weird lesbians obsession, occasional depressive tendencies and questionable sense of humor, he cared and was a decent sort.

That was why he wasn't happy seeing his friend and on-and-off marriage counselor Galina Reznikov so down these days.

It had started with that darn chicken chase, again: it always tended to make the inmates all excited for some time, and then even more dejected than usual and Red, who was so invested in it, more than the others.

He stuck his head inside the kitchen door. Yes, she was working and bossing her crew around, butting heads with Mendoza, but she seemed out of it.

Mh. Yes. Something had to be done.

"Hey Ma, cheer up please!" Nicky said as she approached her in the suburbs that night. "A'right, maybe you should have pulled an Achab and gone after your Moby Dick yourself, if you wanted more - tangible results, but c'mon, let it go!" she pleaded.

"Aah, my babushka, you don't understand. " Red sighed. "It was so close this time. but no, no, it doesn't matter anymore," she shook her head.

Nicky and Norma exchanged a glance. The latter produced some honey from her cupboard, and handed a spoonful to Red.

"Thank you my dear," she said, accepting it. "I just don't know what we will do for Thursday."

There was an abandoned bottle in the laundry yesterday, and it was half full, and turns out it was bleach! Man that made my day. Thank you Jesus. - Angie Rice

Saturday. Five days to Thanksgiving

They were taking stock of the provisions.

"We're fine with the sides," Gloria said briskly. "I got an idea for a first course too, with the corn you stashed in that back freezer." She looked at Red pointedly. "It's still there, right?"

"Yes, yes, of course. We put it aside especially for this season," she confirmed.

"OK. Do you know how much there is?"

"Mh, I'm not sure, was it. " she thought about it. No, she was still too distracted by their sad Thanksgiving prospects to concentrate on corn. "I'll go have a look," she said.

"Red, I could. " Gina started to offer, but Norma touched her arm and stopped her. No, Red needed a moment alone.

The Latinas went on with their morning preparations, refraining from commenting for once. Some of them were also disappointed at the lack of chicken meat, be it drug-stuffed or not, plus they had no desire to incur the wrath of Red.

The Russian matriarch switched on the light in the pantry and sighed. She still wasn't over the frustration.

She walked towards the large freezer, gripped the handle, and pulled it.

And then. something incredible occurred.

There, inside old faithful Betty, where only some noble but still not overly exciting corn from their green garden had been stored. there lay several fresh, plump, beautiful country chickens.

A gasp of joy escaped from her lips.

From the hallway, Mr Healey was peering inside the cafeteria and kitchen. Finally he heard heavy rushed footsteps and a loud strongly accented voice: "Girls! Norma, Gina, Gloria. It's a miracle!"

He smiled satisfied, and went back to his office.

Last night I found some apricot facial scrub on my bunk, not commissary but a good one. It was very thoughtful of someone, so, yeah. thanks. - Marisol "Flaca" Gonzales

That sounds like a cool someone. Mh. OK, I got it. The other day we made pizza, and I was already thankful for that. But then the following morning there were some leftovers hidden in a box in the kitchen just for me, with my name on it. It was my favorite even. - Maritza Ramos

Four days to Thanksgiving

Piper Chapman was a convinced Democrat. That is, she would never vote Republican, supported every minority group cause, tried to eat local and organic, and was very good at making people think they were playing an active and equally significant role in decision-making processes when, really, it was her who was the master (mistress?) puppeteer.

On this basis 'Big House Bugle' continued sailing smoothly, with minimal and inconsequential drama between the assistant editors and mostly condescending amusement or indifference from C.O.s and administration.

The latest issue would feature their usual columns, beauty tips from Lorna, insightful (after some tiny censorship) advice from Flaca, Daya's cartoons, Wanda Bell's profile and interview in "Guards, They're People Too!", and a special Thanksgiving pièce.

Which was precisely what had got her to walk through the hallways, dorms and common rooms with her writing pad in hand these days - to gather inspirational quotes from her fellow inmates.

Berdie Rogers had liked the idea so much that she had offered to take it up a notch and, with Warden - pardon, Director of Human Activities - Caputo's approval, they had got to it.

The others had to be involved of course, each with her own skill set: Morello had focused on makeup and hair, with a little external help from Sophia, Daya had painted a backdrop and Flaca had agreed not to interfere with Lorna's work, as long as she could have a say on framing and angles, for which she brought along her friend Maritza as a special consultant.

Everyone looked happy enough.

Alex certainly was, seeing her girlfriend busy with these harmless preps if she was doing this then she wouldn't have time to get tangled in more serious and potentially dangerous affairs, something that Piper seemed to have a real knack and possibly secret passion for.

"Did you know that Harry Truman tried to promote 'Poultryless Thursdays' in 1947 as part of a voluntary rationing campaign, thus discouraging the consumption of turkey and eggs? But the National Poultry and Egg Board lobbied the President, so in the end turkey was reinstated. Eggs remained off limits though, which resulted in no pumpkin pie at the White House that year," Piper explained.

"Wow. Riveting," Alex smiled patiently at her girlfriend.

"Well it was actually a good idea you know," Lorna piped up. They were having breakfast together in the cafeteria, and talking about the upcoming festivity. "I was just telling Red, it doesn't matter if we have chicken instead of turkey, maybe it's even better. I don't trust meat coming from that far away, and who knows what hygiene standards they have in those Muslim countries. That's why we had lasagna at home for Thanksgiving."

"Oh, wow wow wow. You know turkey is as American as they come, right?" Nicky interrupted.

"Really?" Lorna shook her index in her face. "Then why does it have the country's name, mh?"

"Actually, that was a case of inaccurate naming from the first Europeans who came -" Piper started her lesson.

"Inmates! Move along, five minutes to the end of your breakfast hour," a loud announcement from O'Neill stopped them.

"Sorry babe, you'll have to crush Lorna's beliefs another time," Alex said squeezing her shoulder, and started standing up with her tray.

"Maybe it was fate. You know your name, Galina, means 'chicken' in Spanish?" Blanca asked.

"Ooh really," Red replied drily. "I'm new here, I might have heard this maybe just one or two. hundred times in the last decades."

Blanca's unibrow turned back to her chopping board. "Mh. Right."

"My name actually derives from Ancient Greek mythology, and is related to serenity," the Russian woman instructed loftily.

"Oh?" Gloria's eyebrows lifted in a comic way.

"Tranquility. Calmness," Red explained.

"Yeah, thank you for the synonyms. What were your parents thinking back then, I'd like to know," Gloria went on.

"I'll let you know that I am an extremely calm person."

Her colleague cackled. "Sure Red, as you say," she shook her head. "Calma como los agentes KGB antes de despedazarte y hacerte desaparecer para siempre," she whispered. She didn't know the particulars but had heard of the other woman's Mafia connections, and could just picture her coldly cutting someone to pieces and making them disappear forever.

"What was that?" Red asked suspicious.

"Nothing, nothing. " Gloria looked down at her own slop-stained apron. "Just that my parents had a great sense of humor too. I sure ended up gloriously in here."

Red stopped and stared at her. "You sure did. You are a queen in here," she said. "Remember the poet, Milton: Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven."

The preparations were in full swing now.

The menu had been discussed and perfected ad nauseam, taking into account the ingredients and equipment available, diversity as to appease everyone's tastes, and first and foremost the bosses' desires, to avoid World War Three from breaking out in the kitchen. Everyone of the staff had been given a role and knew exactly what they were expected to do, now and on the following day.

Some food had been donated, whereas with some recipes they would have to be creative.

Red and Gloria were like two captains, working well in tune around each other now that the decisive time was getting near, and ordering their soldiers around to exact the best from them.

"Ladies, this is a crucial moment. Do not underestimate the importance of strategy and preparations. Today we can still evaluate and reason, correct our mistakes. Tomorrow there won't be time to think, just to act. What we do tomorrow is decided today. We have the power to give all these women in here a memorable evening to live and remember for long. Make them happy, and make us proud."

Everyone was looking at her. Her co-captain, too. Red stared back at her expectantly.

"Yeah, exactly," Gloria picked up with conviction. "So chicas, move your asses and don't fuck up!"

Orange Is the New Black recap: 'Power Suit'

Following the wider scope of the season premiere, episode 2 does what Orange Is the New Black does best — offers an in-depth and emotional look into the life of a woman we've spent so long with but never really knew well. This time, it's Maria Ruiz. Until now, the most we've seen of Maria is when she had her baby in Litchfield in season 1, and when the newborn was taken from her to live with her taciturn boyfriend Yadriel, she dealt with the depressing heartbreak of being away from her child.

But before we get to Maria, let's hit all of the new conflicts that the beginning of this episode sets up. Daya is upset that her newborn daughter will be raised in the foster care system following the news that her mother's boyfriend was arrested during a drug bust. Aleida assures her daughter that her boyfriend (Cesar) will get off and return to taking care of the girl.

Elsewhere, the new bunking arrangements are causing trouble for Red, Piper, and Black Cindy. Red's new bunkmate has a snoring problem that keeps her up all night, and Piper still can't seem to intimidate her Hawaiian bunkmate. But the most heated of these bunking conflicts involves Black Cindy and her new roomie, a Muslim woman. The two bicker over space before religion comes into the argument. When Cindy, who goes by Tova following her conversion to Judaism in the season 3 finale, tells her bunkmate her name, she responds "You ain't no Jew," eliciting Tova to fire back "Like you was born in Karachi."

The overcrowding concerns drive Caputo to call a prison-wide meeting to try and smooth things over with the inmates. Unfortunately for him, his solutions of Porta Potties, earplugs, and breathing exercises are not well received. Another thing that will likely not be well received by the inmates is his promotion of the super strict C.O Piscatella to captain of the guards. During the meeting, Sister Ingalls shouts out "Where is Sophia Burset. " a question which Caputo nervously avoids. (As a reminder, Sophia was last seen being placed in SHU "for her own protection" after being attacked by fellow inmates last season.)

But there is one person who is happy about the overcrowding: Blanca. Most of the new inmates are Dominican, which prompts Blanca to turn to Maria (who is also Dominican) and say, "We're the majority now." This leads into a flashback of Maria's childhood — we see an angry, machete-wielding Dominican man riling up a group of impassioned listeners into a drug war with the Mexicans. But then the tone dramatically shifts from aggressive war-mongering to jubilee as the man lifts up his young daughter (Maria) to celebrate her birthday.

Soon after the prison-wide meeting, Blanca stirs up even more memories for Maria in the TV room. Blanca and her new Dominican posse take over the television to watch a game of soccer to the annoyance of the two white inmates also in the room, who beg to watch a show about hotels instead. After Blanca intimidates the two white women out of the room, Maria implores her friend to be less aggressive. She remembers a day that she returned home from school with one of her friends, and her father openly flirts with the young friend. Embarrassed and upset, Maria vents to her friend that she can't stand her father's prideful, do-nothing lifestyle.

Young Maria then looks out the window to find the police chasing down a Mexican drug dealer that hangs out near her school. Noticing that he threw his drugs in the bushes before being arrested, Maria runs down and pockets them. Later on, Maria finds the drug dealer (who turns out to be Yadriel, the future father of her child) at a boxing gym and gives him back the drugs, also starting a romance with him as they each open up about their dreams.

NEXT: The rise and fall of power

Back in the present, Piper's romantic fantasy about being the Don Corleone of Litchfield comes crashing down when Red hits her with a reality check, reminding her that the downside of having power is that people will come gunning for her. At another cafeteria table, Pennsatucky and Big Boo are analyzing Maritza for any outward signs that C.O. Coates has sexually assaulted her in the same way he had Pennsatucky, but they can't find any reason to believe that he has. Finally, we also learn that Gloria has called her son and had him inform Sophia's wife, Crystal, of her partner's current status in the SHU, but when Crystal confronts Caputo about this, he brushes her off.

Before we get back to Maria, this episode's protagonist, we should hit the other story lines that are being set up to become focal points of later episodes. Yoga Jones is assigned to be Judy King's new bunkmate in her spacious, suite-like private room, but the striking contrast of her living privileges compared to the rest of the overcrowded sleeping quarters doesn't sit well with Yoga Jones. We also see Caputo at a board meeting, in which every board member is completely laser-focused on saving as much money as possible. The only way Caputo can get the board to allow him more C.O.s to keep up with the influx of new inmates is by hiring military veterans for the government tax breaks. And to keep herself in power at the prison, Piper hires her Hawaiian roommate to be her "secret service agent" elsewhere Poussey flirtingly promises Soso that she'll protect her as well, and after Daya finds her mother weeping in bed at the news that Cesar is going away for a long time and thus won't be able to take care of her granddaughter, she promises to be there for Aleida, too.

Finally, the drama of the episode comes to a head in the stairwell, when Blanca comes face to face with the two white women that she had spurned in the TV room. The women push her down the stairs just as Maria walks in, but she does nothing to help. When a couple of other Dominican inmates rush in to help Blanca and chase after her attackers, Maria stops them and promises she has a better way to get back at them, which turns out to be an ambush kidnapping and beat-up session in a hallway closet.

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In a flashback, we see why Maria has been so opposed to joining up with the rest of the Dominican inmates. She is shown fighting with her father, who is irate after finding out she is dating a Mexican man. Maria fires back that his hatred of Mexicans is unwarranted since his Dominican drug ring is no different than the rival Mexican drug ring. She caps it off with the most hurtful thing she can say to her passionately patriotic father: "If this is what it means to be Dominican, then I ain't gonna be Dominican no more." He kicks her out of the house, and she walks over to Yadriel to start her life with him.

Although she rejected the label in the past, Maria has come around to accepting being a Dominican yet again at the end of the episode. She walks over to Blanca and the other Dominican inmates playing dominoes she sits across from Blanca and says to her "Let's see how we do together." It looks like there's a new power clique at Litchfield, and since we saw Maria threatening Piper in the season 4 trailer, Chapman's self-assured head honcho status may not hold up for long.


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Orange is the New Black

Piper Kerman, an educated, middle class woman, recounts her year in prison and the circumstances leading up to that time. Piper was a recent graduate of Smith College when she was introduced to the world of drug smuggling. She was captivated by the exotic travel, the monied lifestyle, the adventure, the thrill, even the danger. Her time in that world was short-lived, but that brief period of her life had long-lasting effects.

Piper settled into middle class living. She had a career, a fiancé, and the comfort of loving family and friends. She followed the rules. Some years later, however, her past caught up with her and she was ultimately sentenced to 15 months in prison for her youthful entanglements. With good time, she served 13 months.

Inmate 11187–424 describes her indoctrination into the federal prison system in Danbury, Connecticut, a minimum security facility, and going forward, her day-to-day experiences. She details her new relationships, giving little attention to those she fears or does not like, but nevertheless paints a picture of life in a women’s correctional institution. Interestingly, her prison time corresponded with the imprisonment of Martha Stewart (who served her time in a different prison) and much discussion is included. I am sure Martha is pleased as punch to be remembered anew in that environment.

Netflix (Netflix?) has created a mini-series of its own based on this book. I am not sure I need to know more, but I do not subscribe to Netflix, so that option is not there for me.

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hi you’re funny and all these captions made me laugh

i think piper’s sentence is only like 16 months so we’re moving at a very abbreviated pace. maybe this is in real time like 24.

i’ve watched the whole season now and i didn’t realize bennett left so early in the season, but well, i guess he did. SEE YA

Yeah I think Piper (and by extension Daya, because everyone revolves around Piper) has only been in there like 7 months at the start of this season. But I like the running gag of “Daya’s still pregnant” (even though it looks like she lost weight? It took them a really long time to start using a baby bump.)

yay! i’m glad you think i’m funny enough to do recaps with you. cuz seriously those original gleecaps still make me laugh.

anyway, so the idea here is that time moves hella slow? like each episode is literally like one day or something in Litchfield? or the chronology of three seasons and beyond is based on a 16 month sentence?

I think each season is supposed to cover about 3 months. Piper went to prison in October, and the first season ended at Christmas. And somewhere near the end of season 3, Soso says she’s been in prison for about 6 months, and she got to Litchfield in the first episode of season 2. So in this episode, Daya is only about 6 months pregnant.

Agreed. I was just about to post a similar timeline.

Each 13 episode season = 3 months = 1 of Daya’s trimesters.

(Still keep the Daya’s Still Pregnant Watch going. It’s hillarious.)

But if the Diaz family casting is anything to go off of, she’s probably only like 4 years older than Daya

They’re very fucked up, but I can’t help getting feelings when Alex and Piper do stuff. :P

I still say why have Ruby Rose on the show and waste her on Piper when she and Poussey could be the hottest couple ever. And Poussey needs a boo!

Everyone is wasted on Piper to be honest.

I thought the same thing! even tho we don’t get Ruby Rose yet at episode two. She’s hooking up with Piper a little later on.

Like Ruby Rose and Poussey would be hot. Ruby Rose and Flaca would be so fucking hot omggggg. But the Piper thing not doing it for me. Nope.

Well, shit. I’m only on Ep 3 but knowing it’s fuckwad Pipes who gets RR really burns my chaps and makes me want to rage quit the show.

I heart the recap, though, the recap is tops!

i wanna see what it looks like when something burns your chaps. lmfao

The RR/Piper thing was in all the press releases about RR being on the show as well as the promo videos they released before the episodes came out. So I didn’t consider it a spoiler.

Seconded the Piper feeling and whoa Ruby Rose and Flaca! But Piper… she can suck the fun out of every scene.

I agree I had this idea for a fanfic boiling in my head where Flaca and Ruby hit it off making Maritza jealous. It sort of irritates me that they’re no queer members of the Hispanic crew or Ruby and Sophia could hook up or she and Poussey. I mean maybe it’s me but I’d like to see some more POC sex scenes. We got like two last season.

I thought I was the only one confused by that Cesar scene, I mean I get that he’s a tough drug dealer but I couldn’t see him pulling a gun on one of the kids. Wasn’t he the one pleading with Aledia last season to talk to Daya over the phone and be there for her?

They were like “how can we make people believe that this [email protected] family is really going to fuck this baby up and not even be able to stand a chance against one rich white lady?”


and everyone in that writing room rejoiced and the scene was shot. Pew pew pew!

Yeah that scene really pissed me off now that I think about it.

I mean I got the vibe that while he’s a tough drug dealer he still essentially cared for Aledia and Daya and the kids. It feels like certain characters this season are just switching on a dime in order to make the show more dramatic.

Right!! Especially *SPOILER. * with Cesar’s behavior in the finale… Like, none of that scene made sense!

Also I have to be honest I really didn’t see Bennett just taking of like that.

me neither. i’m not shocked by it. however, the to push yourself to the emotional limits by making a girl an arts n chewing gum wrapper engagement ring must really take a lot out of someone.

That’s true this may be an unpopular opinion but despite Pornsatache being an awful human being at least he was willing to step up to the plate and be there for Daya’s baby despite the consequences of it, which is more than I can say for Bennett.

Thank Lesbian Jesus that both Larry AND Bennett are gone [praying hands emoji]

No? Ok. I guess I can’t find a valid link to the image. But it’s Doggett’s praise Jesus hands.

I need this picture for a comment on Autostraddle, but you all may enjoy as well. pic.twitter.com/qL23LuffyX

&mdash Jenny (@TVtrashJen) June 16, 2015

I fall more and more in love with Black Cindy every episode while getting more and more annoyed at Piper at the same damn time.

That Bennett video is the greatest thing he has ever done.

Also, I’m reading this recap after just finishing episode 10. Oh GOD, do I need somebody to talk to after that. Just. Oh My God.

Black Cindy has edged out Poussey as my favorite character.

My list: Black Cindy, Flaca & Maritza, Red, Taystee, Suzanne, Pensatucky, Gloria, Norma, Leanne

Everyone else like Poussey, Daya, Alex, they’re all fine and good but they’re just not doing it for me this season.

Yess, I binge-watched all of them, and I need to vent! All of my friends watch it next weekend. A week till I can talk about it, dammit. Every time I think I can’t be more fed up with Piper she somehow makes it possible.

I haven’t watched this episode yet but just agreeing with Gabby re Flaca and Maritza, Gloria, Red, Taystee, Black Cindy, Poussey, and Blanca being my favourite characters. Also Pennsatucky, Leanne and her minion, and Healey.

“Piper, the cherubic spawn of Polly Pocket and Dennis the Menace”

Re. Cesar’s new baby — wasn’t Aleida there already when Daya arrived at Lichfield? So she might have been gone longer.
But yes, that baby should really be here by now.

True. I forgot about that part. Yes, Aleida’s been there longer. Long enough for her man to creep on her and knock someone else up and have a new baby irl.

They place the date of episode 4 as the 7th of June, Daya got pregnant in October/November. Piper is about 10 months into her sentence.

“can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.”

I actually didn’t know that, so thank you! I will henceforth refer to Chang and anyone else as my patronus.

yes, patronus! i’ll even start calling things/people/animals my patronus. thanks!

i also didn’t know that, so seconding the thanks!

though i have always preferred thinking in terms of dæmons (a la the His Dark Materials series). mine is a hedgehog.

your daemon is a hedgehog? i can’t stop wheeze gigggling, like my belly is wobbling cuz of you.

YES. backstory: my daemon was bestowed upon me by my bff, who said it would be a hedgehog because it would curl up into a ball when i was overwhelmed with the world, both in moments of annoyance and also joy.

couldn’t you see it just traveling around in the pocket of my a-camp hoodie?

Maddie I think my heart just exploded.

Patronus was my immediate thought also! LOVE IT.

Never ever ever, ever EVER sit at the Black Women’s only table lol where you think the #youcantsitwitus hashtag came from lmfao

better stock up on potatoes

I echo your feelings about, what the f*ck is happening in this show? The Piper/Alex dynamic, the Bennet weirdness, the bed bug epidemic and Taystee eating a bedbug/muffin crumb left me feeling like I was watching a fever dream version of OITNB. I’ve finished the season now, and I really did enjoy it overall, but episodes 1-3 were strange.

right it’s such a waste. like that one episode last season where the whole damn thing was about Daya moving her bowels. i felt cheated out of an interesting/thoughtful storyline moment with her. like yes, she’s preggs we get it. morning sickness, constipation, back pain, and more! but a whole episode re: her bms? stop.

so yes, fever dream episodes are the worst. ps- hi!

On a very serious note, Gabby, if the OITNB writers were smart they’d hire you to do what they apparently have lost the ability to do: Make it fun to hate Piper (at least). Your recap(s) and captions are making me rethink my knee-jerk urge to rage quit the show!

Am I the only one that thought all the underwears in this episode were super cute? Like the bullet bras and high waisted panties looked kinda pin up.

so cute. i couldn’t believe it was happening it felt like fanservice

The smallest caption, but I laughed for sooooo long, and soooooo hard. Maybe because I kept imagining my Puerto Rican abuela saying it while pointing a spoon at me from her stove over a caldero?

I’m so happy you will he recapping with us! You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks :)

(And yes, alllllllll the PR and DR accents!! It gave me so many nostalgic/ I miss my titis y primos en New York feelings. You are not alone.)

“You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks.”

aw this warmed my heartstrings.

I never managed to hate Bennett as much as he deserved. I think I read him as queer the second I saw him and so no matter his fuckery I could never despise him because I thought of him as fam.

I feel like now is a good time to note that my phone keeps autocorrecting “Piper” to “Fiber”

i could change her name to Fiber forever if you’d like that.

You’re so good to us, Gabby.

this would def be appropriate.

Just logged in for the first time in months (closer to years) just to give you props for this caption: “How are you gonna make arroz con chinches without Adobo?”

Also, A+ for the Jenny Schecter reference (ughh, how do I still hate her so much after all these years?)

Your recaps are the best I’ve read so far. Since I’ve already binged through the season twice (I clearly have too much time on my hands and a tad bit of an obsession) I am really looking forward to the rest of your recaps.

welcome back! don’t be a stranger. our recap team is going to serve up all the goods and laughs this season.

These recaps are GOLD, Gabby. Omg.

Also I AM SO PROUD I CALLED THE BEDBUG EPIDEMIC. When the little girl started scratching I almost yelled into my ipad: BED BUGS. EVERYONE IS FUCKED.

I called it when the kids were in the yard and Lucy’s sister was picking things out of her hair.

this show is a fucking mess and this made me laugh until I almost pissed myself so thanks for that

OK, gross mustache aside, Susi and I both thought Caputo’s Uncomfortable Uncle Sex Talk was actually really good advice. Everyone should masterbate more. Maybe not in your office, but still.

i find the mustache so profoundly disturbing
every time i like caputo, i look at his face and then feel weird again

Recaps on Autostraddle double the fun (or in the case of Glee, consist of the only fun) of a show!

Yeah, this episode (I’m gonna say it, this season?) was a hot mess. At least I can laugh at arroz con chinches forever now and not think about what a jackass Bennett is

I was dying reading this recap! You had me rollin’, especially the “You Don’t Know My Name” reference. Taking me back to high school!

I have to say, it’s hot as all hell when Piper tops Alex. I think this is because I can personally connect with Alex’s top vibes and I do enjoy it when I’m caught off guard and a girl surprises me by being more dominant. This scene and the one from season 1 when Piper gets out of the SHU and forces Alex in the chapel are my favorite Vauseman moments for sure. Also, I have a thing for sexually repressed WASPY women. Blame it on my New England upbringing.

so we have thin ONE bisexual/pansexual/multisexual character on the show and OF COURSE she’s a frickin annoying, greedy, manipulative B-word

fuck you piper
and fuck you writers team

I agree that there aren’t many bi/pan/multisexual characters on the show, and also agree that Piper is a real tool, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say that Piper is the only one. Morello’s relationship with Nicky, despite her “engagement” to Christopher, makes it hard to argue that Morello is monosexual (though I would imagine the character would ID herself that way). Also, I may be wrong about this, but wasn’t Soso proclaiming herself to be straight when she first came to Lichfield? Trying not to spoil, but by the end of Season 3 there’s an implication of a budding romance between Soso and somebody else.

Will henceforth be using the phrase “chia pet” as a nickname.

“Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.”

the technical term for that is a ‘glasgow shower’, although traditionally it would be done with toilet paper and hand soap in a public toilet

The technical term? :D Hmm, maybe that depends on what kind of racists you have living near you? Pretty sue there is no “technical term”, but it isn’t nice, that is for sure.

About ten years ago I had never heard that washing in the sink was a thing that had a name (looks like it has several!), but then I was shocked to hear a girl I had just met say she was in a hurry and took a “Mexican Shower” (this is not a girl I like very much, she has no filter in the worst way). I asked what the heck she was talking about since she had a Mexican boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband). I used to be a big scaredy cat about stuff that makes me cringe, hearing someone be so gross and racist so I asked how she could say that and she said “I said it because it’s TRUE!”

She has like 14 diseases and a kid who runs away every other day now (her FB page? Like the worst soap opera/telenovela ever.

So no, that is not a “technical term”, more like not nice slang – just insert a whole group of people you think are dirty and boom, cringe- worthy term. People have really expanded on the original icky rude Pollack (sp? I just know how to spell POLISH) jokes.

PS – wouldn’t toilet paper just fall apart if you got it wet and washed with it?

No matter what happens after this episode I finally got to see Piper going down on Alex and now all is right with the world lol. That scene was infinity levels of hot! I’d say how many times I’ve watched it but honestly I don’t think I can count that high lol. Taylor and Laura’s chemistry is just so off the charts amazing that even in scenes where I shouldn’t want Piper and Alex together I can’t help but want them together. And on a totally shallow note I’m loving the new leg tattoo on Alex!

I am rewatching the show again after finishing Season 4. (Heart. Broken.) I came to look for something and got distracted reading about some crazy “Natasha Lyonne Watch” from 10 years ago. SOOO glad her life improved!

Is this a line that someone on the show said? “So how for she get bitted?” <—- I guess that sounds like someone who is newly learning English, because that is one bad silly sentence! :) Any day now, we will not be able to communicate at all through writing or typing since … seriously? "How for she get bitted?". I have to stop and move on, that is driving me nuts.

Why doesn't Cindy shower? She is spraying herself with I guess Lysol ("My Grandma douched with Lysol!" – OMG. I so hope the writers made that up but probably someone actually did it. That lady who died of ovarian cancer and her family won that huge settlement from a talcum powder company was douching (which BTW is not good for you, ladies! We have a whole self-cleaning oven sitch down there, nuff said)

What bit her? Bed bugs. I guess they bite, i lucked out so far on this, no one in my state had even seen a bed bug until one of the NBA team that was staying here in a GORGEOUS, expensive (AKA not exactly the No-Tell Motel. Hotel when they were here to play The Thunder. They left, and Oklahoma City had its first case of bed bugs. Hurray for us, we have an NBA team for 8 years now, and we have bed bugs. Eyikes!

I like seeing the blue on the ladies, that khaki is worse than orange – no clue where they happened to have a bunch of paper outfits, but OK :D. Oh and the "doctor"? I think he was actually the male nurse who has been in several scenes, mainly when the inmates line up to get their pills. You know Litchfied is too cheap to spring for an actual doctor.

Watch the video: Orange is the New Black. Meet Little Red. Netflix (July 2022).


  1. Naalyehe Ya Sidahi

    Incredible. This seems impossible.

  2. Kelkree

    Bravo, a different message

  3. Voodoozilkree

    Is distant

  4. Vilrajas

    I am final, I am sorry, I too would like to express the opinion.

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